I’m aware how lame the title of this post is and it’s definitely not the way I expected my blog to begin. However, it’s got to the point where I’m just happy that it’s beginning.
I’ve had this domain for around six months now and keep thinking of loads of things I’d like to write about but then I never do. It always gets to the same point – I’ll start structuring the topic into sections and I’m so excited to start writing. And then, out of nowhere, a tiny person in my brain lifts her head from the pillow on the little bed she’s been lying on and sighs, ‘no one cares’. After that, she lays back down and the idea gets lost amongst the shopping lists and other notes on my phone. I don’t do anything. Nothing gets written. I’m back to square one.
In the last few years, the tiny troll in my head has been getting out of bed a lot. I’ve spent more time writing out tweets and then instantly backspacing them because no one cares than I’ve spent posting anything. This post is already making me cringe because I’ve used a capital ‘I’ roughly seven billion times already. I’m having to pin the troll down with each sentence I type. Does anyone else get this? It’s hard to tell because if you do, you probably wouldn’t be writing about it online. Seems to be a symptom of brain trolls.
In a lecture during my undergrad writing degree, my tutor pointed out that writing a book and then trying to get it published is a narcissistic thing to do. You’ve got to believe that what you’ve created is important, worthy and that other people should read it. He was laughing as he said it – he’s had multiple books published – and he wasn’t ashamed. I completely agree with him in that respect and I’m not ashamed to want the same thing for myself one day. But there’s a difference between writing about characters that you’ve created in a world that you love, and writing about yourself and your own life as if it’s interesting at all.
I’m now starting to realise that it doesn’t actually matter if anyone else cares. Because I care. I want to have the confidence of Brenda on Facebook who tells everyone about her bichon frise eating her shoe. I want to be more like Janet. I know more about Janet’s three-year-old son’s day at school than I do about my own mum’s. I want to be more like Beyonce! (Who doesn’t?) But imagine if Beyonce thought no one cared and never made any music. I’m not saying I’m going to be posting on Facebook every 28 minutes or coming out with a mixtape any time soon, but I do want to start writing some blog posts. If no one’s going to read them, that’s absolutely fine. I’m going to write them anyway.
I suppose all I can do is laugh about the fact that I called this blog Scaredy Nat expecting to write about actual scary things, and then ended up not writing anything because I was too scared. Ahh, the irony.
Anyway, this was my first post. I promise the rest of them will be way more interesting and cool… and way less meta.
xoxo Scaredy Nat*
*read this in the Gossip Girl voice.